[This Not A Blog™ article was originally published on September 5, 2004. Stupidly, it is still relevent.]

There is nothing new about news. Having been following a number of news websites closely for the past few years, I’ve come to the realization that there are some topics that just won’t die. These issues are no longer news; they’ve been reported and re-reported to no end, but for some reason the media feels that it’s their duty and obligation to continue belaboring the obvious.

So, in order that nobody need report on these topics for the next five years or so, I’ve compiled them into one article. If you’re ever wondering what’s happening in the world, read this and you’ll be all up to speed.


Anywhere, Earth—Gas prices continued to rise today, sparking concern that another petroleum shortage is just around the corner. Special interest groups warn that OPEC’s oil production has reached an all time high, and any further drain on the national oil reserves will push them into historically low levels. Environmental groups stressed the importance of green energy solutions, such as fuel cells and hybrid cars. However, a leading research team in the development of hydrogen-fuel technology warns that the clean car of the future–whose fuel and waste would both be simple water–is still a highly speculative venture. Hybrid cars, they say, are only a stop-gap measure as they still rely on internal combustion engines and highly inefficient batteries. A leading environmental organization stated that for hybrid technology to really become mainstream, the current administration needs to provide tax-breaks for the drivers of those cars and end the current practice of providing tax write-offs for less efficient vehicles, such as pick-up trucks or SUVs, if they are purchased for business use.

The weather extremes which have been plaguing the country recently have been attributed to the global rise in temperature. Scientists estimate that the mean atmospheric temperature will rise one degree by 2050, causing an approximate one hundred foot rise in the median sea level over the same time period. Meteorologists, however, stress that the temperature extremes fall well within the standard deviation, and as long as they continue to remain infrequent, there will be no immediate environmental impact. The national weather service issued a statement, saying, “weather is, by definition, an unpredictable process. This is why we will continue to provide meteorologists around the country with the latest technology, allowing them to more accurately predict weather trends.”

During a stop on the campaign trail today, the President condemned his opponent for using “underhanded tactics” and failing to “confront the facts as I have done.” He went on to say that he will cut taxes an estimated 27% for middle-income families, while balancing the budget within ten years. His opponent later responded by once again comparing the President’s war record to his own, as well as criticizing the current administration’s inability to control government spending. He further stressed that if elected, he would protect America’s interests at home and abroad; another issue, he remarked, where the current President has severely betrayed the American people.

Fighting continued in the Middle East today, after a terrorist cell attacked American soldiers at a highly patrolled checkpoint. The attack was unprovoked, but sparked criticism of the United States’ role in peacekeeping missions around the world. The United Nations, led by France and Libya, condemned the United States for preemptive attacks against unaided people’s groups across the Middle East, and stressed the importance of diplomacy in these transient situations. The Secretary of State responded, saying that America must protect both her own interests and those of repressed peoples throughout the third world nations. He also mentioned that the US was very close to apprehending a cell of known terrorist leaders and asked the American people to continue to support our troops.

In another surprise turn, the stock market moved against analysts’ predictions, yesterday, creating a flurry of activity. “This in no way inhibits the market’s stabilization and recovery from its downturn earlier in the year”, said a leading market researcher. The Federal Reserve stated that it had no intention of changing the interest rates, but would continue to watch this new development closely and would act if the situation warrants it. Another industry expert stated that yesterday’s activity was simply a blip over the long term projections, and would have no bearing on stock prices over the next few months. Small businesses, however, are worried that the volatile market reflects a growing problem throughout the consumer sector, and pointed to another quarter of unexpected unemployment numbers as an indicator that the economy still has a long way to go towards normality.

As you can see, all that is needed is a little removal of detail and you’ll quickly discover that history does indeed repeat itself. This also tells us something about human nature: people are fundementally boring, predictable, and easily amused.

-Ted