Not A Blog™

[This classic Not A Blog™ article was originally published on October 7, 2004. At the time this was written, I was working as a bank teller.]

Working in retail has its advantages and disadvantages. Well, okay, no advantages that I can think of off the top of my head, but at least one gains patience and the ability to put up with complete idiots.

One of the huge annoyances, I’ve found, of working in a customer service position is the human tendency to fill any awkward silences with inane conversation. This probably happens less to a cashier at a convenience store, who take care of customers relatively quickly, and more to bank tellers who can end up dealing with a single person for fifteen minutes or more. In any case, there’s a good chance that at some point you will be either on the initiating end or the receiving end of one of these thoroughly pointless snippets of interaction.

In this article, I have decided to list the allowable topics in customer-cashier conversations. There certainly are unwritten rules about this; I think it’s high time some one solidified these rules into written canon. And, so, that someone is me.

Allowable Topics of Conversation During a Financial Transaction

1. The weather. It is an endless source of fascination to me about how much interest people find in the weather. Every single day’s weather is conversation-worthy. Hot today? Well, then, “it sure is hot out. You’re lucky you get to be in the air conditioning today.” Cold? “Boy is it ever cold out. It’s a good thing you’re inside with the heaters on.” Nice? “Wow, it’s a really nice day out today. It’s too bad you’re inside all day.”

And even if the weather is nondescript in your area (note: it never is), then there’s always some weather somewhere else that is interesting to talk about: hurricanes in Florida, flooding in the midwest, wild fires in California. No matter how much you talk about it, the topic is never exhausted.

2. Sports. I touched on this briefly in my sports essay. Basically, anything that happened during The Game is conversation worthy. Note that this occurs primarily between guys. Rarely, if ever, have I seen a male customer talk to a female customer service rep about sports, unless they knew each other outside of work. Being a guy, however, I have no shortage of other guys seeking to talk to me about The Game. Unfortunately, this is completely allowed in the unwritten rules of inane conversation.

3. Major topics in the news that are happening somewhere else. Generally, this is means international news. Any major catastrophe (not weather related) that happens in the US (9/11 for example) or anything disastrous in the local news (bad fires, etc) are generally not discussed. International news, however, is comfortably distant, so even if the event is unbelievably horrible, it is still discussed.

4. Stuff on TV. This topic is not brought up as often, however, because there is so much stuff on TV that what the customer watched and what the teller watched do not always coincide. Often, you will hear, “did you see what happened on The Apprentice last night?” “No, I missed it.” Then the customer will proceed to explain what happened, the teller will feign interest, and the conversation will wilt at the end of the explanation as no further common ground is found. In other words, this topic, while legal, often kills the conversation quickly.

5. Anything the customer wants to talk about. However, this limits the responses of the cashier. Generally, the only thing they’re permitted to do is nod and pretend to be interested. Even though the customer is free to bring up any subject they’d like, there are still subjects which are almost universally avoided, and for good reason. Actually, that should probably be a separate section.

Illegal Topics of Conversation During a Financial Transaction

1. Politics. This isn’t even an allowable topic amongst friends, much less some random stranger who walks up to your window.

2. Anything intellectual. People aren’t usually smart enough to understand the finer points of metaphysics, anyway, nor do they have any interest in it.

3. Anything technical. Unless you know for a fact that the other person is adapt at, say, differential calculus, don’t bring it up. In short: no one cares.

Anything not listed falls under #5 of allowable topics. Basically, if the customer wants to tell you about their personal problems, they’re free to do so. The only things they can’t talk about are the 3 illegal topics.

There are also a few other unwritten rules of conversation, such as the allowable time after a transaction has finished that you’re allowed to continue the conversation (10 seconds). Old people wantonly violate this rule, regardless of whom they might be inconveniencing, which is everybody. Those rules are more nebulous, however, requiring further study before I feel I can grasp them fully and create a list for the socially challenged. In any case, I hope this particular list has been helpful, if not somewhat obvious. As I mentioned before, it simply had to be quantified.

-Ted