[This classic Not A Blog™ article was originally published on August 22, 2004.]

Today I had a profound realization unlike any other. Everybody is a bad driver but me. I could just leave it at that, but today I feel the need to elaborate, so here is a list of the top five things other drivers do to reveal their ignorance.

  1. Merging onto the highway. Or, more correctly, the lack thereof. Because inevitably, if I’m behind someone on the on-ramp, that person will always slow down as they reach the highway. They slow down, then suddenly they can’t move over because the other lane is moving five mph faster. So what do they do? Slow down more. Now the other lane of traffic is moving ten, fifteen, twenty mph faster with no end of cars in sight. Why do people slow down in this situation? Do they think they can somehow appease the traffic god who will miraculously create a horizon-to-horizon opening for them to daintily merge into? There’s a difference between merging and yielding! Arg! I’m getting road rage while typing!

    So my first lesson of the day is: match the speed of the traffic in the lane you want to merge into. Line up with a hole between two cars, turn on your blinker, then persist your way into the space.

  2. People who don’t stop at the “stop here on red” sign. There’s a reason for that sign. There’s also a reason for the hugely obvious white blocks painted on the road. Some people think that the only way to get into the intersection is by pulling their car up so far that the perpendicular traffic is brushing their front bumper. Occasionally, this is good for a few laughs. One time I saw a soccer mom in an SUV pull way out in front of a left turn lane. I was in the other lane, but on my motorcycle, so the light didn’t register me either, and I got to watch her reaction. The light stayed red, of course, as we sat there for quite some time. She became clearly aggravated until another car pulled up, stopped at the right point in the intersection behind her, and triggered the light to turn green. Clueless Soccer Mom lost a good minute of her precious time because she was too important to stop where the lines told her to.

    Lesson number two-a: if you don’t stop in the trap, the light doesn’t know you’re there.

    The other reason for the “stop on red” sign is trucks. Trucks are really big. They can’t turn like your sporty BMW, so when you pull that manhood-compensator up to the light, stop at the line. Otherwise a real man driving a semi will try to come around the corner, and you’ll look like an idiot for blocking the intersection.

    Lesson number two-b: If you don’t stop in the trap there’s a good chance you’ll get run over by a truck. That can really ruin your day, not to mention your paint job.

  3. Complaining about gas. Unless you intentionally bought the smallest, most fuel efficient vehicle you could afford; you always check your tire pressure and fluids; you take your car in for every recommended service; and you drive the speed limit without accelerating too quickly, then you have absolutely no right to complain about how expensive gas is these days. You knew the gas rating on your car when you bought it; stop whining. If gas is really so horribly expensive, then why’d you drop 40k on a Ford Excursion? Better yet, if you think the price of gas is too high, do something about it per the aforementioned list. When you’ve completed the list above, feel free to complain your heart out. Personally, gas could go up to five bucks a gallon and I’d be okay with it. Believe it or not, two+ dollars a gallon is cheap. Try living in Europe.

    Lesson number three: Since you’re an American living a life of obscene luxury, you have no reason to complain about the rising cost of volatile fluids.

  4. I know this one is a bit of a cliche but I have to mention it anyway: Turn signal use. This includes both Gramps in his Cadillac driving ten miles with a flasher on and Clueless Soccer Mom who doesn’t even know that the car has turn signals, much less use them. Both situations are dangerous because other drivers have no idea when the blinker-impaired plans to turn. One the one hand you have the boy-who-cried-wolf syndrome. Eventually you make a futile effort to ignore the perpetual right turn indicator and subsequently have no idea when the driver is planning to make an actual right hand turn. One the other hand, you just have no idea what the driver is planning to do at all because they never indicate it.

    Incidentally, I think this interesting. In the past six months or so, I twice found myself following a police car, and both times, neither officer used his turn signal at all. The only thing I can think of is that they must be doing some sort of undercover work, so they don’t indicate their turns in order to throw off a possible tail. Clearly, they are steadfastly upholding the law, and fooling those tricky criminals by not using blinkers.

    Lesson number four: Research the turn signal; its history, development and subsequent implementation over generations. After you feel you have a grasp of its purpose, try it out in the safety of your own driveway. Finally, use it actual traffic situations, and impress the world by both turning it on at appropriate times, and also by making sure it has clicked fully off after the turn is complete.

  5. Another cliche: traveling slowly in the passing lane. The reason the left hand lane of highways is called the “passing lane” is because–believe it or not–it is for passing. If you and the other cars around you are traveling at the same speed, you should not be in the left lane. This brings up a similar issue: passing on the right. I will admit that I do this. It’s frowned up for reasons I’m not entirely clear on; I believe it’s dangerous, but I’m not sure. Anyway, it is often the last resort for people trying to get anywhere while someone insists on driving 5 mph under the speed limit on the left lane. Horns and lights generally do not work; your only recourse is to pass.

    Lesson number five: if someone has been tailgating you on the highway past the last five exits, move into the right lane.

Now, I’m not so deluded as to think that this will change anyone’s driving habits. I just wanted to point these out for the record. Besides, I think it’s clear that if everyone began doing everything on this list, I would just find five other things to complain about.

-Ted