[This classic Not A Blog™ article was originally published on October 11, 2004.]

In a surprise turn of statistics, the total amount of spam on the internet has recently exceeded 100%. Information technology researchers estimate that, out of all the messages sent on the internet over the course of a day, an estimated 100.7% are spam. This sounds surprising until one takes into account the latest in computer switching technology.

The Nokia Q-3000 switch was installed by America Telephony United three months ago. It is unique in that it is the first practical use of quantum computing. Using stored quantum states, known as “spin”, of subatomic particles in triplicate, it can instantly transmit data across a theoretically infinite distance to a partner. Furthermore, a single bit of information can be both a one and a zero simultaneously, making use of the fuzzy nature of the quantum world. What this means for consumers is faster communication and computational speed across a vast distance, independent of unreliable copper wires. It also mean an increase of spam.

“Essentially what is happening is that consumers are receiving messages before they are sent,” said Dr. Artemeaus Fulmer, quantum computing researcher at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. “Often, the quantum switch will anticipate data, and since it already has the ability to transmit that data instantaneously to its partner switches, the message, in effect, arrives before being sent.”

All of this happens extremely quickly on a quantum level, however. There is really no practical way to verify that the data you receive has not been sent yet. It all exists in a state of probability, until you open your inbox, at which point the probability collapses.

What this means from a statistical standpoint is that a certain number of messages have been sent – without the possibility of verifying whether or not they have actually been sent. The level of spam on the internet has recently reached the amazingly high level of 99.99% of all messages sent. Taking into account the “fuzzy-state” messages, the estimated total now exceeds 100%.

William Kirchner, president of the National Statistics Bureau says, “the only way, at this point, to calculate the exact amount of spam sent is if everyone opened their inboxes simultaneously and we counted. Since that is a logistical impossibility, the next best thing is a sample. After we take into account the messages that remain in quantum flux, the amount of mail received exceeds the amount of mail sent, thereby pushing the percentage of a given type of mail, in this case spam, over one hundred.”

This is bad news for people who have just undergone biotech surgery. Biotech — where biological computer components are integrated with a host’s cerebral cortex — has recently become the wetware of choice for professionals and consumers alike. Unfortunately, its always-on connectivity means a literal headache for some.

“Sure, I can turn it off,” says Barnett Rienhardt, CEO of General Information Systems, “but I feel like I am missing so much. I can only stay disconnected for a few minutes at a time.” Rienhardt, who was recently admitted to the St. Delacroix Hospital in Pasadena, California, was one of the first recipients of the implanted wetware technology. What originally put him a step ahead of his competitors has now landed him under the care of a physician.

Doctor Larry Roth is Rienhardt’s personal care professional. “He initially came to me complaining of severe headaches. When I connected his wetware to my desktop, I determined that at least half his brain power had been diverted to sorting and deleting the incoming spam. Originally I was going to take him off the internet completely, but the wetware has become fused with his brain in such a way as to make a permanent disconnect fatal.”

And therein lies the problem with modern technology. Faster switches and biological computers have made spam more prolific than ever, and it is beginning to cost lives. Roth continued, saying, “the only thing we can do at this point is to eliminate the spam.”

However, that has proven easier said than done. Over four decades ago, congress passed the ‘can spam’ act. It has since proven to be one of the least effective pieces of legislation ever passed by a governing body, and by some estimates, it actually created a 20% increase in the amount of spam sent. Current efforts to pass anti-spam legislation in congress have been stalled, partially because a power outage caused by the amount of advertisements received by the computers controlling the east cost’s electricity grid.

A number of senators were unavailable for comment, due to an impenetrable wave of pop ups.

“The situation has gotten completely out of control,” Rienhardt commented later. “I suspect that the only people who do not have wetware are the spammers. In fact, I would recommend—” Rienhardt suddenly collapsed on the floor, eyes glazed. The interview was apparently over.

“As you can see,” Dr. Roth told us after Rienhardt had been stabalized, “the sheer volume of incoming messages promising smaller mortgage rates and larger penises crashed his brain. If we do not find a way to deal with these rampant advertisements,” he commented wryly, “it may very well cause the extinction of the entire human race.”