Not A Blog™

Despite being a visual artist and mildly knowledgeable (or at least not completely ignorant) regarding things art-related, I haven’t seen many movies. Sure, the movies that I have seen probably number in the triple digits, but I don’t go out of my way to see movies, and I never really have. This leaves certain gaps in my cultural education (I have many such gaps in cultural knowledge)—gaps which, evidently, are unacceptable to others.

For a film class in college, we were supposed to write a list of our top ten personal favorite films. This was kind of fun, so we did another one that was the top ten guilty pleasures. After hearing film after film on everyone else’s list that I was forced to admit I hadn’t seen, I came up with the idea to make my list of Top Ten Films Everybody’s Seen but Me. It was supposed to be a joke, but it turns out many people were genuinely shocked that I hadn’t seen some of these. It violates unwritten rules, being culturally ignorant.

Looking back over this list again recently, I was surprised to see the number of films on there that I have seen in the past two years and so must remove. Blade Runner, The Godfather, and Aliens were a few that I’ve seen. Nevertheless, there are still plenty to take their place, and so the list continues.

I present them here in reverse order, roughly ranked by how strong of a reaction it elicits from others when I tell them I haven’t seen that particular movie.

The Top Ten Films Everybody’s Seen but Me

10. The Goonies—I don’t know what the deal is with this movie; I hadn’t even heard of it until two years ago (the same film class as this list was written for, as a matter of fact). How ubiquitous can it be? I haven’t fully comprehended how this works, but this movie seems to be one of those movies that everyone just “knows”. It’s like inherent in people’s DNA or something. Everyone but me, because I don’t even have the foggiest clue what it’s about, much less being able to judge whether or not I’d want to watch it. This is just another sign that I’m not human.

9. A Christmas Story—This one’s kind of cheating because I’ve seen all the scenes that anyone cares about: the leg-lamp scene and the shooting-his-eye-out scene. And that’s pretty much it. That’s all this movie is, anyway, right? So I can talk about it as coherently as the next person, but if anyone asks, no, I haven’t actually sit down and watched this movie.

8. Groundhog Day—Like The Goonies, this one is infinitely quotable. Unlike the Goonies, I know what it’s about because it has become a metaphor in popular culture that people use in jokes all the time, so I pretty much had to look up the synopsis to understand what anyone is talking about. The biggest downside to not having seen this movie is that when one person starts quoting it, everyone else in the room starts quoting it, and I just sit there. Come to think of it, that’s what happens with any of the movies on this list. It’s just that Groundhog Day encourages it for some reason.

7. The Shining—Now we start getting into “you’re not allowed to NOT see that movie” territory. The Shining is classic! It’s based on a Stephen King novel! It’s got that creepy kid! It’s got Jack Nicholson! I haven’t seen it!

6. Forrest Gump—When this first came out, it was the movie to quote (read: make fun of) for about six months. After that, nothing. In a sense, I simply had to weather the storm until everyone’s obsession with the characters passed, and I could once again move about conversations largely unhindered. While the level of quotation and reference to this movie has declined to historically low levels, people’s reverence for it has not, and so there’s still a measure of surprise, combined with a measure of pity, when I tell them I haven’t seen it.

5. Braveheart—Braveheart falls into the same category of movie as Gladiator and 300: Somewhat historical macho-man movies covered by an obscure code somewhere that says not only must every male human watch said movies—they are also required to enjoy them. I know what Braveheart is about and, frankly, it just looks dumb. Still, I think my chances of seeing it sometime are higher than most of the movies on this list because it’s readily available, and because people won’t stop complaining to me about my viewing ignorance.

4. It’s a Wonderful Life—Another Christmas movie which also falls into the category of movies ingrained in the zeitgeist. I get less of a reaction from people my age about this one, because they haven’t seen it either. The reason it’s ranked so high on the list is due to the older folks who’ve seen it. Relatives of mine who used to be Amish have told me I have to see this movie. Now that’s saying something.

3. Die Hard—I’ll probably see this movie eventually because I like both Bruce Willis and Alan Rickman and they’re both in it. This is the only defense I have to placate people who hear that I haven’t yet seen it. “Oh, but I’m going to,” I tell them, defusing a potentially deadly situation.

2. Pulp Fiction—The same goes for Pulp Fiction. I like the directorial stylings of Quentin Tarantino (in moderation), so I’ll probably see this sometime. (It’s also got Bruce Willis, again.) It’s just that, presently, I haven’t gotten around to it. Stop bugging me about it.

And now, the number one movie that—for real—every single person in the US except me has seen:

1. The Wizard of Oz—Nothing I’ve done has provoked such a strong response as telling people I haven’t seen The Wizard of Oz. I understand that it’s a cinematic milestone, and for that reason alone, I should be watching it. At one point, I was actually planning to. And then something happened. I realized telling people that I haven’t seen the movie was more fun. You people go nuts. This has gone for too long, now—and the shock value is too high—for me to ever go back. I’m purposely avoiding watching it because the reactions it invokes are just too funny.

So there you go. The movies everyone’s seen but me. Some I’ll probably see, some I refuse to see, and some just baffle me (so I can’t say whether I’ll see them or not). But for the majority of them, the great responses I get are better than anything I could get out of watching the movie, so I think they’ll just go unwatched.

-Ted