Approximately 365 days ago, I wrote a mini-rant about Christmas. It followed a very difficult and prolonged series of social gatherings and I was pretty disgusted with, as I referred to it, this series of holidays falling between the end November and the beginning of January. This year was more of the same but there was slightly less of it, so I feel the need to update my thoughts.

On this I remain unchanged: the holidays are better without people. However, I would allow for some wiggle room here, specifically that the holidays might be tolerable (maybe even—dare I be so bold—fun?) with the right people, although “people” in this case is a very approximate number which would most likely be “one” but no greater than “two”. I have yet to locate these people, as everyone I currently know wants to celebrate with more than two others, and very often with even an order of magnitude greater than this.

After a few months’ hiatus, I would like to point out the following: my family is loud. Not that they weren’t just as loud while I was living at home, only now that I really notice it because I typically surround myself with silence. My father even said to me during one particularly boisterous celebration of consumerism, “I guess you’re not used to all this noise!”

Of course, I said, “WHAT!?”

He repeated himself and I almost said, “I was never used to all this noise!” —but that felt like a lot of work, given the current volume in the room, so instead I said, “No, not really!”

At least he didn’t make any inane comments about gift-giving this year. On the other hand, almost every person I know still gives me gifts despite my telling them not to get me anything. Some folks I know can’t even afford it, and they still buy me crap. I will refrain from typographically yelling “PLEASE STOP”.

This happened to me four—count them, four—times. Person approaches, object in hand. “Now, this is not a gift…” they say, right before saying, “I just wanted to get something for you,” and giving it to me.

Yes. Yes it is a gift.

But it was good that happened—and with repeated experimentation, no less—because it forced me to consider the various not-a-gifts for what they were. It turns out that I’m anti- a particular kind of gift: the random gewgaw.

“Assorted crap, irrespective of utility, is crap.”

Assorted crap, irrespective of utility, is crap. I’m quite adept at purchasing my own crap; at least I know it will get used. On the other hand, people sometimes try to get me something that might be funny or cute or something—I really couldn’t say—and it’s never any of those things. It’s annoying. I exacerbate this problem by responding to all inquiries as to gift preference with “I don’t know”, so the blame falls partially to myself. However, in light of the “this is not a gift” gifts I received this holiday season, I can finally say with confidence what I would prefer.

If you’re the sort of person who has to do something lest you explode, despite my cold-hearted flat-out denial of gift receiving, give food. This applies as long as I’m not on a diet—an activity which I currently hope to postpone for another few years. It’s not that I’m starving or require additional food. It’s simply that food and food products (which, come to think of it, are still just “food”) will get eaten, and since I have to eat anyway, this is most efficient.

Gift cards still work, though I’m increasingly ambivalent about them. As far as I’m concerned, both gift cards and money support the carefully cultivated consumerism that I’m trying to avoid, the only advantage being that I can buy crap later when it’s no longer in support of the holiday. All the gift cards I got were either for food (okay, cool) or books, and I am quite able to justify purchasing books, so all things considered, I’m fine with what I received.

I don’t suppose I’ll be able to go without seeing my family for Christmas. Although this is my ultimate goal, it will probably continue to be sabotaged by factors such as distance (i.e. there isn’t enough of it). However, in lieu of that, I’ve found I can do reasonably well if I limit myself to two or three hours at a time. Combined with efficient gifts like food, I find it entirely within the realm of believability that Christmas may, one day, become tolerable.

-Ted